I actually feel dirty writing this.  If it wasn’t for the dearth of ceremonies/ awards/ events/ parties/ opening of envelopes or condom packets, this ‘awards’ do really wouldn’t cut the wasabe.  But then again may be it will give us something to REALLy get our teeth stuck in to… so with no further a-do, lets kick off with…

… DEAR GOD. So as a first time appearance in a VSR we have Ms Britney Spears. I think we’re going to wish we didn’t have her. I’ll avoid commenting too much on the fact that she still looks dead behind the eyes thanks to the OTC Scooby Snacks her Dad/ Manager (Dadager?) continues to push on her and not labour for too long on the fact she’s had some VERY strange work done in the jaw/ mouth/ cheek area… and instead focus on the outfit.  Or at least I would if she were wearing one.  Oi Britters… you’ve forgotten your skirt.  But thank goodness the stocking’d shoe boot you’re wearing is really flattering and distracts us from lack of fanny cover.  So it’s like totes fine right? 1/10 for at least putting your Lala’s away.

Ciara – WHY ARE YOU NOT WEARING ANY KNICKERS? Put some PANTS on for pities sake.  She’s evidently purposely had this dress designed to show off the patch of cellulite on her upper outta thigh.  I totally get it. I mean who wouldn’t.   1/10 for a non platform shoe. Is it possible to look any cheaper?

Holy fuck.  Apparently, yes, it is.  Incredible to think one of those orange satsuma bags from the local Co-Op has provided inspiration for a ‘red’ carpet dress. AMAZE.  Also, why is the pattern on the front of your dress literally the shape of a cock and balls trying to impregnate your tummy button.  This is so so so bad I’m not even going to comment on the fact you haven’t brushed your hair since August 2013. -245/10.

God.  We are really really scraping the bottom of the barrel.  This awards do is even cheaper than the Only Way is Essex/ Made in Chelsea infested TV Quick awards and I literally didn’t believe that could be possible.  Why is she wearing a costume you’d audition for Star Trek 19 in?  I’m beyond confused. 0/10.

WHY ARE YOU HERE?  WHY ARE YOU HERE? THIS MAKES NO SENSE!!! You literally will turn up to the opening of a condom wrapper.  Not that you used condoms if this abortion of a dress is anything to go by.  And your shoes are DISGUSTING which quite frankly matches your dress perfectly. 0/10

I feel I must apologise avid VSR readers.  I really don’t think I should have bothered with this awards ceremony. And by the looks of it RiRi agrees, she couldn’t be arsed to get out of the cape they wrapped round her in the hairdressers when they were dying her hair. She obviously couldn’t even bring herself to hang around for the complimentary blow dry afterwards either.  Quite frankly I don’t blame her. 0/10

Now I actually like you Demi, so was rooting for you.  It really wouldn’t be hard to win best dressed amongst this dross, yet somehow you seem to thrive on featuring in ‘Worst Dressed’ lists. Repeatedly.  Why are you wearing a jacket your mum would wear to the office (albeit Chanel) with some spandex wide legged trousers?  This outfit is a cross of Madonna’s accessories with Deirdre from Finance’s jacket and trews.  I simply do not understand what you are doing here. Go home. 1/10 for wearing some clothes.

Well this is the first outfit I actually don’t want to poke my own eyes out looking at.  Is it great? No.  Does it work on someone who looks 12? Fuck no.  Does she, from a distance probably look naked and a bit wrinkly as the outfit is almost skin colour? Yes. However, despite all this her hair and make up are fab, accessories are good and the skirt at least looks great on her. 6/10

WE ARE NOW AVERAGING 1.2 PER OUTFIT.  I’M NOT SURE I HAVE IT IN ME TO CONTINUE.

I’m bored of Balmain.  Or even worse fake Balmain which is what this appears to be.  However in this sea of excrement, you look good Mila.  I don’t mind the silhouette, the shoes are acceptable and I really like your make up and your lack of accessories make this look fresh, edgy and award appropriate.  The hair’s ok, but a little severe.  But this has literally saved my eyes from bleeding. 7/10

You’ve had a tough time Kesha and your record label should be shunned, bankrupted and the boss imprisoned.  Nothing less.  However, this does not excuse your horrific fashion choices.  I’m sorry but with this weave, that jacket and those shoes, it’s probably you that should be locked up. 2/10

Obviously you have a face and body to die for Ms Alba.  But I think everyone over 30 are too old to wear over the knee boats with a skater dress.  You just look like you’re trying too hard to rock it with the youngsters out there when you simply don’t have to.  Take it down a notch please. 7/10.

I like a sequin. I DO NOT like a purple sequin.  NO ONE should like purple sequin. With its high neck, heavily padded shoulder and awkward length this dress looks phenomenally uncomfortable. Anyone who’s worn 6 inch stiletto knee length boots and danced for 4 hours nonstop then removed said boots to reveal their feet have turned black (yep, BLACK)  will understand the concept that fashion can be painful and  comfort often sacrificed.  However, in this instance Megan it really wasn’t worth it. Sorry. 3/10

How is it possible that the woman who wore the beautiful gold and silver sequin midi dress earlier this year, turned up to this event with a dress fashioned out of a table cloth.  A blue table cloth that is, held together with one of those straps that goes round and round the carousel at Terminal 3 having been ripped off a cheap gym bag that didn’t survive the Heathrow baggage handlers. 2/10.

I’m going now.  I’m literally bereft of inspiration.  This is without doubt the worse collection of outfits I’ve seen in a very long time… and I’m including this year’s Grand National day at Aintree in that list.  I apologise for the below par VSR, it’s just been too hard.

My best dressed of the evening by a country mile goes to…

Mr Steve Tyler.  8/10. I salute you.