The first VicStewReview of 2016.

So January sees us kick off with the first ‘awards’ show of the year.

Well that’s an over statement really. Like I mean, who really cares what a bunch of stupid American kids think, their taste is dubious at best, afterall they are responsible for giving us the Kardashians, Miley Cyrus and Everybody does(nt fucking) Love Raymond. (I still haven’t worked out who to blame for Craig David or Craig David’s facial hair but I might just hold stupid UK kids accountable for this).

Anyway, even though this awards show is a bit lame, I’m hoping the fashion isn’t…. So here’s to the first contender of 2016…. Show us what you got!

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We’ve kicked off with an OK. Not a wowie, not really even a goodie but certainly no baddie. Rarely gets it wrong, always looks beachy and sexy. It’s just lacking the super blonde hair, a strong lip colour and some better (coloured) bling. Just a little tooooo understated. But I’ll give it a 7/10 because there is NOTHING offensive about this. It’s too nothing to be offensive I guess.   Must try harder please. Not that you should EVER look like you’re trying hard, but you get my point.

Again, another perennial fave of mine as I LOVE a bit of boho. But this is more boohoo than boho. She’s got a crack body, but tin foil doesn’t do a good job of showing it off. I like the make up and the necklace, the hair is just WEIRD and it’s all a bit blurgh. I’m also NOT a massive fan of silver on brunettes (I HAVE made this error before in my past) but it’s best left to the ice blondies out there me thinks. I do like the shoe though. 5/10.

I like this dress. I DON’T like it at an awards do and I DON’T like it on you. Your hair bores me, your make up bores me, your stupid punchable face bores me. I really like a short shift with a sleeve, it’s a favourite silhouette of mine, but for reasons I can’t really fathom this just isn’t working. I think it’s the SHOCKINGLY dull belt that looks like something I’d find thread through my Pop’s Dockers ‘pants’ and the shoes deeply deeply offend me. 4/10. First rant of today. Where’s the colour gone from our lives?!?!!?

Fucking FUCK. Be careful what you wish for. I wanted colour. I did not want a reminder of the sheer volume of Quality Street I consumed this Xmas. Ignoring the REPELLENT colour of the dress (as long time readers of Vic Stew Reviews, you know I HATE a purple) the dress is 15 inches too long for her and makes her look hefty in the hip area. No one needs more heft in the hip area surely. And matching bag and shoes. My jetlagged eyes are bleeding. Bad. 3/10 because I like her hair short and that’s being generous.

Pretty Little Liar No. 1. A bit slut slut, but you’re young and your lady lumps are hidden away and your skin and hair are fabulous, so I’ll let this slide. Problem is with this is that you’re just doing a poor man’s J-Lo, which well makes you look like a poor mans J-Lo. But you do look cracking for a youngster, so we’ll let this go with a 6/10.

Pretty Little Liar No. 2. This is the opposite of your colleague. I really like the dress but it makes you look very old and severe. Some sort of big messy surfy hair or a long fishtail plait (even though it’s been a bit done by Blake) with a bright orange lip and clutch or some such like would have edged this up. At your age this really needs funking up. Hair way too harsh, make up way to dull. I really want to like this but it’s a classic case of the dress wearing you. 5/10.

Pretty Little Liar No. 3. Ashley Ashley Ashley. So so near. Yet so 3billion light years away. As previously discussed I love a short long sleeved dress. But I do require that they fit properly and do not give you the body of a very very rectangle slab of cheese. And your shoes are REPELLENT. Lovely glowy make up though and good choice of hair with the neckline. Your sparkly epaulette’s are disturbing me. 4/10.

NOT FUCKING Pretty Little Liar no. 4. When I was little I LOVED watching afternoon kids TV. From 3.30pm it was just the highlight of the day. Everyday. Apart from Tuesdays which showed my most hated TV show of ALL TIME…. Heidi. It made me rage with violence every time the stupid sound track started. The ONLY good episode was when the blonde girl pushed Heidi down the stairs and she ended up in a wheelchair. Unfortunately not permanently. THIS is how I feel about this outfit. Utterly violent with RAGE. 2/10. ONLY saved by the fact she’s got a good lip going on and she’s modelled herself on my mate Elly’s hair which looked epic on NYEE.

Amy Winehouse sang Back to Black and sounded pretty depressed about it. I know how she feels. Now Missy, you are a striking looking young woman and I LOVED your undercut. But this is just wrong. I HATE a polo neck at the best of times. A see through meshy polo neck with baggy nanny tights arms and just boring work slacks are NOT cutting it. I NEED. MORE. EFFORT. Blah. 4/10 for good make up.

Blimming hell. What is this? Do you think there was a powercut in LA and people just found whatever was hanging from their windows??!?!? Who would ever… I mean EVER rock some sideboob with a sailors smock/ Queen Elizabeth ruffle?!?!?!?!? Clare Danes apparently. The idiot. This is obviously total payback by some stylist who watches Homeland and DESPISES Clare’s character ‘Carrie’and proper stitched her up. If only they’d stitched up the sides of her dress at the same time. As an aside, what is happening to her lovely hubby’s hair which is normally bouncy and curly? Even arm candy has failed her. 3/10. I’m considering dropping this score as well.

PRAISE BE TO THE LORD!!!!!!!! Julianne Hough you look SMOKING. Your body is insane! And your hair and make up is spot on. If I’m being picky I’m not sure how much I need the gaps in your dress/ top skirt combo, but based on the previous letdowns from your colleagues this is a moment of joy. Excellent Excellent work. Even your man chin is looking softer, an achievement considering the Croydon facelift hair you’re pulling off admirably. AND no boob or bum on show. Very very well done. You may pass GO. 8.5/10

Hough will be getting a score closer to 9.5 in comparison to this UTTER DROSS. I’ve even chosen to ignore my normal dislike of monochrome (white on black is ok, black on white rarely) and still I have NOTHING good to say other than well done you for finding the cheapest possible looking dress. And when you put that on with all it’s different straight stripes and ziggy stripes and horizontal and vertical stripes when did you think…. Ooohhhh I must pair a strappy heel with this?  DICK MOVE Kat Graham. DICK move. 2/10. And that’s just because you have beautiful skin.

There can be no reason for this absolutely fucking DISGRACEFUL outfit. And the hair. Oh my god the hair. My eyes, my eyes, my eyes can never unsee this. 0/0. And be fucking grateful it’s not worse.

From the ridiculous to the sublime!! Priyanka Chopra! Yes yes yes!!! Me lovey lovey lovey! LOVE the dress, love how you let it talk for itself with no accessories. You’re beautiful so that always helps but you look sublime! Would have loved a bright red/ orange lip to really pop and your hair whilst being up is good, isn’t quite hitting the spot. But along with Hough – excellent work – stand out in fact. 8.5/10.

Just as I was about to give up because this awards show is so goddamn lame, it’s making me lose the will to live a… I come across this. Firstly you slept with Harvey Specter so HUGE kudos for this and two I really quite like it. I mean I’m on the fence about this short, long, mullet, skirt over dress over trousers over shorts over leggings over… well just over IT really. But you look elegant, classy and put together. Which quite frankly is more than we can say for pretty much the rest of the muppets that turned up. 7.5/10

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On this note. I HAVE TO STOP THIS review. I have never been more bored or disappointed in writing a VicStewReview. I mean like Evs. Actually last year’s BAFTA’s was a goddamn aberration and worthy of retirement… but anyway you get what I’m saying.   ENOUGH. Quickly on to the next I hope!