And so for the SAGs. A more relaxed affair than the Globes and of course sartorially far behind the Oscars.  It is however seen as the bellweather for the big ‘O’ in a few months time.  I’m praying to god no-one who had anything to do with La La Land wins anything tonight, however, unfortunately I think this is about as unlikely as Kerry Washington wearing a decent frock this evening.

All is about to be revealed… probably in more ways that one!

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Hi Renee! I’m afraid I don’t know who you are.  But I very much like your dress.  Love the silhouette and the burnished olive is a great colour on your complexion.  What keeps this fresh and modern is the minimal and clean jewellery with the no fuss hair.  A bit of serum on the ends of that barnet wouldn’t have gone amiss however.  Despite straw-like hair, I really like this 8/10.

Michelle and her Technicolour Nightmare Dress. This hurts my eyes.  The neckline is making me very angry and her hair is a goddamn disgrace. Also, eat something.  Your arms look like albino Nik Naks. 2/10.

I like this dress a lot… I love the detailed sleeves and the neckline adds some interest.  It does however feel a little heavy for an LA spring time.  The lipstick saves it with a nice pop of colour but I’d like to have seen this taken to the nails to really polish this look up. 7/10.

So more black.  As with Amanda’s previous outfit I think it’s hard to make flowing black or black that covers up a lot of the body not look like a witches habit.  However, I’m enjoying the textures in this dress and it fits Kathy perfectly.  The more I look at it, the more I like it.  I don’t even mind the climbing apparatus that’s attached to the waistline.  Her hair is perfection and the copper make up accentuates this.  For once I’m not even crying out for a candy colour lipstick.  Excellent work 8/10.

So… more black.  But unlike the previous two minimalist approaches, this is full on naughty fairy….  With a pie collar.  Why for all that is fancy has a pie collar been added to this frou frou?  It literally makes no sense.  Claire is very thin, so this dress does add some shape to her and I don’t hate it as such, but it’s got a lot going on and I’m not sure it’s made up its mind what it wants to be.  This dress is as confused as I currently am. 4/10.

Gwen has come as sparkly Batman. She might have pulled this off better had it been worn with a strappy heel.  It needs some bare skin around the ankle and foot to break up the swathe of glitter ball.  Instead it looks as if the sequinned boots are attached to the  trouser legs which is an extraordinarily strange look.  2/10 for strong lip, platinum hair and for trying to do something different on the carpet.

I really like you Sophia and I have HUGE sympathy that on the day of a big awards shindig you’ve come down with a terrible case of conjunctivitis.  That’s really unfortunate. As for your dress, the length is awkward and unflattering and doesn’t work with the barely there sandal.  A stiletto would have worked better and provide more direction to the overall styling. The colour is nice on you and the origami fold adds interest but somehow this still doesn’t quite work. 6/10.

Maggie STIFF more like.  Her breasts have been turned in to weapons of mass destruction and could literally have an eye out.  Alternatively she’s come dressed as a long-eared owl.  Look again, you’ll see it. 2/10

This tapestry of a dress is pretty in part.  The colour looks good on Emily’s skin and co-ordinates with her hair colour perfectly.  If you like the tan sausage look.  However, it’s highly unflattering around the breast area and the sleeves give her builders arms, which I wouldn’t think possible. 5/10.  Good earrings.

The lace slip under this dress is sexy and would have worked well alone even if it had been more appropriate in the boudoir.  The rainbow netting with feathers and flowers is too sweet and saccharine for my liking.  And… it will come as no surprise to you to hear that I despise the additional strap that appears to be strangling Kaley.  Also, I’m sorry but I just want to punch her in her smug over fillered face. 3/10.

The Ivory looks beautiful against Viola’s skin and due to the incredibly clean lines of the dress, she’s managed to avoid the challenge that comes when wearing a white frock. I’m not a fan of the neckline it looks unfinished and awkward, but overall she looks fabulous.  I’m especially enjoying the edgy bob and the neck bling is supreme. All in all, I’m saying yes to the dress. 7/10.

There is not ONE redeeming thing about this entire look.  Not one.  And I never thought I’d say that of a perennially top notch red carpet expert. The mens’ boxer shorts under black net curtains with a witches cape and bin-liner band aids across her gnat bites, it’s just all very very wrong and desperately disappointing. The corsage is evidently an after thought and not even a berry bag and lip can save this from fashion hell. 0/10. Devastated.

Sophie looks on fire here! Following in the footsteps of a number of super blondes (Charlize, Blake, Scarlett, Kate, Jennifer) that have nailed the palest of hair colours with a pilar box red dress, she has slayed this look. Thank you for not fucking it up with a shit shoe…I love the hair, love the make up, this is  a proper grown up and super polished look.  If I was going to be super picky, the mismatched neckline is unnecessary and doesn’t add anything, with the wider strap being the more flattering of the two options.  But this is the only let down.  Am also appreciating the diamonds and the white nails are fresh and modern.  An excellent 9/10 and currently my front runner for best dressed.

So for once we’re seeing something different from the mermaid/ fishtail look Sophia is usually a huge fan of.  However, this split from the norm hasn’t really paid off.  Obviously the shoes are terrible, but the midi length prom dress style is too innocent on someone with Sophia’s sexuality. I like the bodice on the dress but the black netting is cheap.  The earrings don’t work at all with this girlie style and we can tell from her expression that she agrees. 3/10.

There’s a lot for me to like here.  The colour is super pretty and I love the choice to use black jewels to accent the dress as it adds energy and interest.  However… there needs to be more coverage in the boob area, the neckline is too high and I don’t like where the sleeves fall on the arms/ shoulders.  Also the black bows look like an afterthought, a black ribbon belt may have worked better.  I do however love TPH’s hair and make up, the bob is gorgeous.  The finger bling is also pleasing. 8/10.

Can someone explain what the FUCK that black and turquoise thing is?  I can’t really discuss the rest of the dress as that ‘thing’ has just corrupted my thought process.  What is it?  Why is it there? Is someone playing Emperors New Clothes with us?  I DON’T UNDERSTAND.  I can’t even discuss the fairground appliqué or the god awful hair.  Because I don’t know why she’s wearing a ‘sleeve’ taken from a Star Trek convention on the red carpet.  With a sparkly prom dress.  UTTER dick. 1/10.

Brie, first off, please eat some brie.  You look very unwell.

You must have a new stylist as for the second awards event in a row your dress isn’t terrible. Granted the skew-whiff neckline is doing nothing for your right boob and the colour doesn’t look great with your grey skin tone.  However, I like the clean lines and it fits you perfectly.  The split is well located and not minge length. I hope you have a black clutch somewhere which will anchor the black shoe as I applaud you for the use of noir… it makes the overall look more interesting. Your make up however makes me very grumpy.  It’s flat and sad and almost apologetic in its lack of ‘tude. 5/10.

Talk about collars and cuffs matching.  Actually, no.  Let’s not.  This is moronic.  3/10.

This is reminiscent of Alicia Vikander’s dress worn to the same event last year and much like that, this is similarly successful.  It fits Michelle like a glove and gives her very slight figure some shape and depth.  I like her super blonde crop and her make up is strong.  The necktie however just adds unnecessary fuss and diverts the eye, adding confusion. I’d have loved an orange lip here. 7.5/10.

Salma looks incredible for 50.  Her body is insane.  However, due to her maturity and sophistication I find this dress too youthful, too frilly, too frivolous for her.  Granted the colour looks beautiful with her dark hair, eyes and skin and the shape works wonders with her curves.  If you removed all of the pink accents in the belt and on the frill and dumped the unnecessary corsage, this would have looked fabulous.   The frills and fancies are just too much cute for a real woman.  The clutch however, should  be burned. 5/10.

Red carpet dressing must be a challenge when you’re pregnant. However, I still don’t believe that your only option is to wear your bed sheet. The tulip arms are annoying me so much I have to stop now.  She looks like a virgin Big Top. 1/10.

Emma must be super scary.  Probably a total A list primadonna who will not speak to mere mortal plebs, shooing them away as they approach.  That can be the only reason that no one has told her that when she got out of her car on arriving at the red carpet, she stood on the front hem of her dress and broke the strap.  I mean, that is exactly what this looks like.  If the bodice of the dress had been just the lace boudoir style and instead just the skirt in the flowered chiffon, this could have been very gothic pretty.  Instead it’s just a confused mess.  Equally the jewellery choices are very strange and add nothing to the overall style. Once again, disappointing from Ms Stone. Great hair though. 5/10. (I’m desperately trying to not mark you down further for that REALLY annoying La La film).

BRILLIANT. As predicted at the beginning of the VSR, once again Ms Washington has FUCKED IT.  What the HELL is this chunky, super heavy, overly long monstrosity?  It looks like the Abominable Snowman got overly excited all over Kerry’s dress. TERRIBLE. I want to shake her by her sleeves. 1/10.

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So, there were other dresses on the red carpet but these seem to be the only ones worth talking about…

So Sophie Turner wins my best dressed in that super hot red number, closely followed by Michelle, Taraji, Kathryn and Renee.

I liked this review.  There were some great efforts and then even more interestingly some terrible terrible outfits.  I’m looking at you Kate Hudson and Kerry Washington.

Unfortunately no one sartorially super exciting has been nominated this year, so I’m not sure we can expect any truly classic or standout fashion moments.  I guess we’ll have to wait and see if anyone brings it at the Oscars.  Until then, I bid you adieu…