Coachella 2016

So… I’m in a bad mood about Coachella.  For a number of reasons.  1) I really really want to go.  Or at least I did really really want to go.  But now I’ve missed the greatest band of all time play there, I think I might be over it.  I also hear they don’t serve any booze. At a festival.  That’s lame.  I’m moving on.  To Burning Man (anyone in?!) which, for that and the next two reasons I’m thinking is wayyyyy cooler. 2) I think Coachella has gone and got a bit B list and full of very annoying Hadids/Jenners/Baldwins/Hangerson. 3) Most of the outfits this year were just caricatures of what were once cool boho/ hippy/ alternative looks,  instead now worn by the majority of people who are not remotely cool,boho, hippy or alternative (I do not include you Vanessa Hudgens in this list).  Here’s the photographic evidence to prove my point…

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ALESSANDRIA AMBROSIA COACHELLA 2016

You are a Vicky S model, so it’s hardly going to be difficult to look good in the stereotypical festival outfit (that is NOT an outfit)… the bikini.  This look is not as try hard as many, so I don’t totally hate it.  The stupid flowers on your head however are soooooooo over and you haven’t even done that tried and tested trend very well.  I do like the kimono though – looks pretty authentic and a great colour with your tan.  Your hair and make up are also good as they are not over styled… so for this I’ll give you a 6/10. Despite the fact a bikini is NOT an outfit.

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FREIDA PINTO COACHELLA 2016

This look is a classic example of the aforementioned someone not remotely boho or beachy trying to pull of a standard Coachella uniform.  And failing.  It is just far far too try hard and I simply do not understand your shoes.  They might as well be speaking in Native American for all I understand them.  I hate this look, it doesn’t work and it really really doesn’t work on your Freida.  2/10.

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SUKI WATERHOUSE COACHELLA 2016

Now I really really like this look.  I love the sequinned jumper with the Daisy Dukes and the hair and make up are fab.  It’s a slightly refreshing call on the kimono, bra look that is normally paired with the denims, so well done for that.  You have however utterly RUINED the look with the gym trainers and sports socks. WTF???  I don’t care if running shoes are de riguer… to me they’re just duh ridic ruining an otherwise lovely look.  8/10 without the shoes, 3/10 with them.  p.s.  I haven’t even started on this choker trend which I am despising to my core.

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KENDALL  JENNER COACHELLA 2016

Love your necklace.  Love love love.  Don’t mind your afropuffs either.  I even like 65% of your dress.  But I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… a bikini is NOT AN OUTFIT even at Coachella! Why have you slung some hammocks around your breasts and sort of then tied your dress as a halter neck between them?!?!?!  Your lady lumps look awful and considering you’re super slim this is impressive.  Bad.  Nice shoe bag combo though.  5/10.

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ELLIE GOULDING COACHELLA 2016

First point… See Suki’s review for trainer issue.  I simply could not hate this more if I tried.  Secondly… what have you done to your face? Thirdly this outfit sucks. 2/10.  Which is probably more than your over pumped lips can manage.  And finally, you’re in the desert.  It’s not going to rain.  Trust me.  You don’t need an anorak.  You do however need a stylist.  You should have packed one of those instead, you’d get way more use out of it.

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EMILY BLURRED LINES LADY COACHELLA 2016

I’m not understanding a heel at Coachella and I’m worried your toes are going to get hurt when you leave VIP to join the GnR mosh pit.  Which I’m totes sure you’re going to do. Not.  And if not, why are you even there??  However, you look very lovely and I love your dress, your hair, make up and lack of OTT ethnic, indian, aztec, semi precious stoned body jewellery, so well done.  8/10.

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KYLIE JENNER COACHELLA 2016

I despeyes this.  From tit to crotch.  A fluffy pool shoe is a must however. (???!?!?) 1/10 for some nice plait work.

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JAMIE CHEUNG COACHELLA 2016

Now pay attention Jenner Jnr.  If you are going to show your pants and bra then do it like Jamie.  I really really like this – very pretty dress, good boots and hat and not too over styled, I’m ignoring the collar because you’ve done so well elsewhere in the jewellery, bag, shades and hair stakes.  Well done. 9/10

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CHANEL IMAN COACHELLA 2016

It’s so so so so wrong that I love your trousers.  But I do.  In homage to the greatest rock band ever, I love them.  And your body looks insane in them.  I’d have preferred them with just a plane white slightly cropped vest or T… that would have slayed the look.  However, the chiffon bralet is disappointing.  7/10 for those trousers, boots, bag and barnet.

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HAILEY BALDWIN COACHELLA 2016

You look just like your boyfriend… i.e. a total penis (her boyf for those not in the ‘know’ is one Justin Bieber).  I hate your bralet.  I despise the too try hard body jewellery and it’s a shame someone hasn’t choked you with that choker. But WHY in all that is sane are you using a hospital bandage as a bandana??  Did you hate your Coachella look so badly that you tried to knock yourself unconscious to avoid having to look in the mirror any further?  I’d say to check you haven’t got any brain damage… but then you’ve had Bieber’s Biebette inside you, so I’d say it’s probably a bit too late for all that. 0/10.

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TWO RANDOMS COACHELLA 2016

I thought I’d leave you with this.  A prime example of people wearing things that they would NEVER wear ANYWHERE else but Coachella.  Because for some reason Coachella has become about sticking something stupid on your head. What was once kitsch or dare I say cool has now just become an example of people attaching more and more stupid things to their bonce.  No one in their right mind would look in the mirror and think ‘this head piece TOTALLY nails my festival look.’  But you KNOW that is EXACTLY what they thought when they did this.  This is Coachella Blindness, I now believe to be a genuine malady.  Coachella has made people go fashion blind. I mean proper bonkers blind. You know they REALLY believe they look good. They DO NOT.  What they DO have is full onset Coachella Blindness.

For this and all the reasons above, I am out.  Burning Man with it’s genuinely crazy avant garde attire and authentically bonkers festivities… here I come.

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4 thoughts on “Coachella 2016

  1. This was an unexpected treat Steward, I love this. I also agree with all your comments.

    I am GUTTED I wasn’t there to see GnR. It’s quite possible that this past Saturday was the most amazingly awesome night I never had. 😦
    Still, at least I didn’t have to wear flowers in my hair whilst rocking denim hot pants and my boobs tucked into two hankies and a piece of string.
    I’m not entirely sure what I’d have worn. I’m guessing from EVERY SINGLE PHOTO THAT EXISTS from this event, that maxi dresses are O-VA. What is one to do with their slightly mottled-skin, chunky thighs these days? Must I wear a bikini and fashion my see-through Zara summer scarf into a kaftan somehow?

    I do not know what Ellie Goulding has done to her face but she needs to avoid ever doing it again. Her lips look AWFUL. She should also stop wearing trainers that look like golf shoes.

    I can’t really comment on the outfits or the revelers because as soon as I saw that Bloody Laura Whitmore was in attendance, I immediately stopped looking.

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    1. Another reason to hate Coachella. I don’t think normal human beings who don’t believe that a bikini is an outfit
      are allowed to attend.

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  2. Coachella really is the gift that keeps on giving. Like you, I’d have LOVED to have been in the audience for a bit of GNR. Sigh.
    However, I’m glad not to have seen these people in real life. Where is the imagination? Fashion changes from year to year, yet ‘festival wear’ seems to stay rooted in one look. BORED.
    Yeah, yeah headdresses/ flower crowns/body jewellry. Yawn.
    I don’t care how banging your body is, we know a bikini is not an outfit. Grrrr.
    Suki has nailed it. Even though the jean short is played out, at least I can’t see the pockets hanging down. Just sort out the trainers and we’ll all be happy.
    Everyone else 2/10 for imagination, you could be at any festival in the last 6 years.

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