And so for the fashion Oscars…  the Met Gala Ball 2016.  Never is there more of an excuse to go totally over the top (just think Rihanna last year in the yellow Emperor coat, SJP in the black and white O d Renta signed dress or Madonna showing her butt in some sort of conquistador outfit a couple of years ago).  It’s probably the only event that actually encourages an element of costume dressing as it always has a theme.  This year is no exception and the encouraged look is ‘ Manus X Machina Fashion in an Age of Technology’ or in TopShop terms futuristic looking dresses.

So who will have excelled and nailed a future forward fashion facing utopia and who will have will have just phenomenally fucked it up and come dressed like a dalek from a 1977’s Doctor Who special? All will be revealed…

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HOT OF THE PRESS AND AN ADDITION TO THE ORIGINAL CONTENT

Despite my initial complaint that no-one really brought the future of technology to the fashion at this year’s Met, I have been proven wrong by two ladies – Clare Danes seen above and Karolina Kurkova who features later in the VSR.

Whilst the material of Clare’s dress is perhaps a bit shiny for my liking, she certainly embodies a princess and the ice blue looks gorgeous on her.  It fits perfectly, the bodice is divine and I LOVE her scarlet lip (no surprises there).  Her Zac Posen dress (which reminds me of Cinderella’s dress from the Disney movie) glows in the dark and looks magical thanks to the fiber optics woven in to the dress’s material.  So while on the red carpet she looked great, lets be honest, as with a fair few things, it really comes to life when the lights off are off.

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OK.  There is theme dressing.  There is costume dressing.  And then there is just plain and utter batshit crazy dressing.  I will leave you to decide which category this outfit falls in to.  But if I say the words canary yellow PVC stirruped stockings, I’m hoping that gives you a clue. 0.5/10.  Just for being so Bjork about the whole thing.

As most VSR readers will know, I’m not a fan of yours.  So it’s entirely possible I’m a bit harsh on you.  However, in this instance I feel truly justified.  Coming to the Met in your sparkly PJs doesn’t cut it.  You’re giving Hugh Heffner (The Heff) a run for his money in this. And we know The Heff doesn’t attract the boys. 3/10.

Utterly utterly repellent.  But enough about you… what about the dress. Well it really really suits you as it’s equally repellent. Disgusting.  1/10 for washing your hair and wearing some make up.

I would say dressing like a coutured Mummy would make you more retro than futuristic, no?  Either way, you look great if a little plain for the Met. (Jordan Dunn’s dress however is spectacular) 6/10 for you (8.5/10 for Jordan)

To take such a beautiful woman and put her in this is an absolute travesty.  I see NO future for this stylist. SHOCKING. Somehow this is worse than Solange’s Big Bird monstrosity which I didn’t believe was possible. 0/10

Just as an FYI… so far I’m extremely disappointed with what I’ve seen.

MY EYES MY EYES HELP ME MY EYES.  I’m sorry.  I should have put some sort of warning on this. I really don’t know what to say.  Probably because nothing needs to be said.  Other than that the front of this is even more shocking than the ‘rear’.  Because it has her face in it.  -348/10.

Finally… OK Naomi, this isn’t particularly ground breaking and just having something in metallic doesn’t necessarily make this futuristic, however it’s a very lovely dress and it looks very lovely on you.  Once again a strong lip would have made this pop, but otherwise good work.  8/10

So first off… VERY interesting to see you here along with Robert Pattison who brought Twiggy or whatever her name is.  Brave.  I actually think I like this dress.  But I don’t like AT ALL how you’ve styled it.  The length does not work with the shoe boot and needs to be floor length or 4 inches shorter… but I like the silhouette and the material.  Your hair looks terrible and you need to lose the necklace which serves no purpose in this look.  So… could have been good but you’ve made it look pretty terrible.  7/10 for the dress 4/10 for the look.

Hair and face are exquisite.  Love the dress.  Fits you perfectly.  The open toe boot stocking is wrong.  But I guess you felt the need to edge up your look otherwise there is nothing even vaguely futuristic about this dress or styling.  I don’t blame you though… if it was my first Met Gala I’d just want to wear an incredible princess dress and totally wouldn’t let the X Machina thema get in the way either.  7/10

I’ve already NOT included 3 other people wearing Balmain this evening, but I can’t exactly not showcase Kim. Unfortunately. Firstly I would actually like to commend you on your shoe choice KK.  Whilst they are not AMAZING they are at least not stolen from some LA back alley/street corner so well done.  I get the metallic/ robot/ futuristic thing that a lot of people went for.  I also don’t mind the top of the dress as it’s well structured and lends itself to the theme.  The bottom is just blah though and the same as every other Balmain dress.  I know you’ve just had a kid but where the split is too high, it gives you heft in the hip. Or more bulk in the booty.  And lets be honest you DON’T need more of any of that.  5/10

Crushingly disappointed with this Barbie dress.  The material looks super flammable, never a word you’d chose to have associated with your dress.  Also your boobs look like they’re bleeding to death. 3/10

Firstly, thanks for putting your Lemonade down and joining us Bey.  Secondly, thanks for wearing some clothes to the Met this year. Thirdly, good hair, good make up.  Your dress is PVC which is actually really cool and so far the most in keeping with the events theme of fashion and technology combining.  I actually like it and you look great in it, minus the puffy sleeve… It doesn’t need it.  You would have scored even higher if the dress had been in another colour, this nude/ apricot pastel doesn’t work for me and could have been much bolder.  All in all though, strong 8.0/10

Blimey Emma.  I almost didn’t recognise you.  Your hair and make up are stunning.  I’m sure this white dress is also gorgeous.  But you’ve obviously been in training for July’s Brazil Olympics with the American women’s weightlifting team and forgot to take your belt support off before popping down to the Met.  Shame, because the rest looks fab. 6/10

Due to your own innate sense of personal style you pull this look off. I’m not sure about the head piece but I love the metal finger glove you’re wearing.  I actually think you look kind of fab, so good work, but the dress needs less of a split. 7/10

My mum always said if you don’t have anything nice to say, then don’t say anything at all. 1/10

Well well well… who’d have though that my best dressed so far would be Brie (she of the belt aberration in Oscar 2016 VSR) Larson.  But it is.  Love the dress. No it’s not futuristic, but none of them seem to be particularly… but it is fab.  Bad shoes (in another photo you can see they have a totally unnecessary ankle strap) and the hair is a bit severe.  But a huge improvement on anything I’ve seen you wear on the red, not so red, carpet to date.  8/10

This dress looks strangely vampiric to me.  Weird.  Amy wears pretty much the same shaped dress on every occasion and it’s boring me.  This however is much much worse than normal… the chain straps, the bikini style top, the fang cut outs, safety pins and off the shoulder straps are just wrong wrong wrong.  Then huge overkill with the bad shoe combo.  I’m sorry Amy and I’m sure you disagree, but bite me. 3/10

Obviously one who just ignored the theme and wanted to go dressed like a princess,  although this is more Belle from Beauty and the Beast.  Nothing wrong with it, but she’s not my belle of the ball by any stretch. 5/10

Annoyingly I cannot find a photo of this dress front on.  From here it looks like a fabulous couture affair.  But why would you go to all of this effort and then ruin your dress with an ugly barnet?  Perry has previous on this and it makes me cross. 5/10

Wow.  I think she looks amazing… like molten gold.  Beautiful.  The harsh hair somehow adds authenticity to the look and stops her looking too mermaid and instead more modern and fashion forward.  Good job.  8/10

Absolutely DISGUSTING.  From Heidi head to pixi toe. Rank skank.  0/10

There is something not right with this dress.  I don’t know if it’s the overly heavy neckline on her tiny frame, the gold/chartreuse colour which doesn’t work with the blonde… but something is off.  From the look on your face you can smell it too. 4/10

The colour on this dress makes it look cheap and I’m bored of the sheerness.  Annoyingly if these are the dresses of the future, this trend isn’t going away any time soon.  But lets be honest, this isn’t even the worst bit of this outfit. Her hair.  If this is the future for hair, I’m happy I’m not making it out of the 2,000s.  Because everyone is going to look like a total (literally) dickhead. 2/10

If this dress wasn’t beautiful enough it is a ‘cognitive’ dress that responds to fans reactions (tweets) by lighting up with 150 LED fairy lights woven in to the dress.  So here is finally a dress that combines couture fashion with smart technology. It most definitely gets a big fat LIKE from me so she should be sparkling.  No trolling here, this is heaven sent. 8/10.

It costs $25,000 to go to the Met Gala.  This must explain why she’s had to sew together some old satin PJs as that’s all she could afford after buying her ticket.  Grimy is, as grimy does, obviously.  Disgusting. -500/10.

Well I guess prostitution is the oldest job in the history of the world, so no reason to think in the future its going away any time soon. I presume this is what hookers will look like in the next millennium, thanks for the eye opener GaGa.  -124/100

Worn anywhere else this would be wrong.  Worn here it’s fab.  Front on it’s even better and the cut outs and layering work and look edgy.  So the dress is on brief and futuristic of sorts.  Unfortunately you didn’t carry this through to the rest of your styling and the beachy waves just don’t work with the angles of the dress.  You lacked commitment here Kate and I’m disappointed in you.  Must try harder. 7/10

Almost back to your best Sienna, great dress, great look. Clutch could be better but overall fabulous. You just wear things so nonchalantly and never look too try hard… you also look slightly undone which is sexy as hell compared to the over contoured and contrived youngsters out there.  8/10

I’m sorry Demi but this just looks hella cheap and you look like you’re playing dress up with the grown ups. 4/10

Kerry you look like a Russian hooker… you must be on something to think you look good here.  Being on something can also be the only thing that explains how you’ve managed to put your tights on your arms rather than your legs. Dick move.  2/10

Ok… so a space theme here which represents the future.  I like what you’ve done Nicole – nice and original. I’ve seen this dress up close and it’s beautifully intricate and handmade and sparkly.  It looks fab on you, I just think the cut-outs with the cape are too much… I’d have filled in the cut-outs and kept the beautiful cape.  Hair up was a good idea, but I just find this a bit too matronly which stops you from looking totally out of this world. 7/10

Now this is going to be controversial from me.  I don’t like cut-outs and I DESPISE this neckline as you must all be sick of hearing by now.  Yet somehow with her supermodel phsyique Karlie totally pulls this off and looks amazing.  There is a lot of skin on show, but she still manages to look classy.  Unfortunately her hair and  make up let her down.  7/10

I think I must be coming down with something.  My most hated neckline and a dress come bikini.  But I cannot deny that Kendall looks fantastic in this dress.  I really like the futuristic pattern and she’s just let her body do the talking, with minimal accessories and a simple but good shoe. Controversial I know but a very strong look which I should hate, but somehow don’t.  Damnit. 8/10.

I love the commitment to metallic here. Ciara has done a Nicole Ritchie and taken this look to the hair with a standout silver dye, a big head nod to the futuristic trend.  Ignoring the dubious neckline, I like this dress a lot.  It was also made by H&M so kudos for wearing something from the High Street.  Although I think we all know she didn’t pop down Kilburn High Street to pick this number up.  7.5/10

Why would you come as Xena Warrior Princess to the Met Gala? That’s right.  You wouldn’t. Kate would.  Tells you everything you need to know. 3/10

Two out of three of these dresses are good.  One is not.  Can you guess which?  Loving the hair adornments a part from the girl in the middle who looks like her halo has slipped.  Saying that, after this weekend, so has mine so I’m hardly one to talk.  7/10.

OK, so lets consider the thought process here.  I’m really in to fashion.  And I like to get dressed up and show off a bit.  It’s also pretty good for my career to have my photo taken looking fabulous so that I’m still relevant to cinema goers and those film execs and their casting couches.  So having forked out $25,000 for this fashion specific event my thoughts move to what to wear.  I then have that lightbulb moment and think a janitors apron, some bovver boots and a stringy stripy mousy bob with a far too short and split fringe is EXACTLY the look I need to go for to achieve all of the above. Genius. Well done. 0/10

From the ridiculous to the sublime.  If there is EVER the opportunity to wear a princess dress it’s at the Met. And by gum did Zoe seize the moment here.  The train on this dress is BEAUTIFUL… love love love love.  Unfortunately I can’t get a close up to comment on make up, hair or jewellery. But who cares… the dress alone gets a 9/10.

Unlike Haim, I don’t like the hair pieces on Kate.  I think it’s because she’s suffering hugely from lollipop head and her neck looks like it’s straining to keep her head and jewels up.  The dress really disturbs me… there is SO much going.  Individually they may and I say may work, but all together it’s just too too much.  5/10

Why have you come dressed as a virginal pirate to the Technology meets Fashion Met Gala? Actually, scrap that.  Why would you come dressed as a virginal pirate. To anything?? 1/10 because you continue to have epic hair.

OK.  The dress is satin and cheap looking.  It reminds me of those handkerchief tops we wore in the 90s.  So this is obviously a terrible look.  However, her body is insane and her face is so gorgeous it almost hurts to look at her.  She literally could wearing anything.  Which is just as well really considering this below par choice.  Still doesn’t make me stop wanting to look like her though even in this dress. 4/10

I don’t mind you Rita.  But here you’re just a poor woman’s Kimmy K, who was a poor woman’s Beyonce, who was a poor woman’s J-Lo at last year’s Met.  It’s been done before and been done better I’m afraid. 3/10

So I know you drew the short straw and had to attend as Swift’s plus one.  That’s enough to make anyone mardy.  But did she not tell you where she was taking you this evening?  Were you thinking you were going to the MTV awards?  I mean I know this is Louis Vuitton and everything… and I don’t even mind the grungy edgy unusual dress and leather bralet combo.  But you are the absolute opposite to all of these things and can’t pull it off.  But that is all just a moot point because WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU WEARING ON YOUR FUCKING FEET??? Why?  In the name of all that’s stylish and subtle are you wearing rubber platformed lace up ankle wellington boots?  This is just beyond words. 2/10.  And you KNOW whye.

Obviously you look amazing.  But this is not futuristic, interesting or even really stand out.  Fortunately you have your body that never quits to do this, but still, I expect more from you. 7/10

Another Balmain number I presume.  I REALLY get what you’re going for here.  It is different, stand out and closer to futuristic than most we’ve seen.  Unfortunately the execution here as let you down. This just does’t fit you properly.  The sleeves need to be more fitted, the shoulders narrower and tighter and over all everything needs to be pulled in by an inch.  Shame, because if this was sorted it would have been a killer look.  Fierce shoes btw. 5/10

Another example of a bubblegum princess trying to look fashion forward and fierce and instead just failing as a fashion flop.  This dress could work on a Alicia Vikander for example but not on all kittens and cupcakes TayTay.  The bondage boots just make the look uncomfortable and the high metallic sheen makes her platinum locks look the shade of a 40-a-day smoker’s teeth. Fail.  3/10

Speaking of Alicia… here she is wearing the best shoes I’ve ever seen at an awards do EVER*.  -800/10    (*no-one ever said,  ever).

In my opinion the best has been saved to last.  Now firstly I’d like to say I know this flapper dress is the opposite of futuristic and like many many dresses we saw today they had more than a nod to the past and much less of a wink to the future.   But as most tended to only glance at the theme this year, I’m not holding Poppy to a higher standard.  Her tiered dress is absolutely beautiful, she works the deep V and I don’t even mind it and I love love love LOVE the jewellery she’s paired with it, ensuring her look is edgy rather than overly sweet. Make up and accessories are fabulous, the long length of her hair strong.  The ONLY thing I can pick at here is that her hair colour could do with being properly platinum, anything less when worn with silver will look yellow (Taylor take note).  Other than that this look is totally spot on and without doubt my absolute favourite look of the party… Poppy Perfection. 9.5/10

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Phew!  That was a biggie. So I found some of what we saw a bit lacklustre, but certainly more interesting than the awards dresses we saw early this year.   I’d like to have seen a stronger nod to the theme of the evening as most appeared to just ignore it. There was, in general, less skin on show than normal and much less sheer, which can only be applauded, so thank you Met Gala for giving us a fashion extravaganza and me carpal tunnel syndrome.