And so to the Golden Globes. Will there be lots of golden ‘globes’on the red carpet? Will anyone wear any make up this time? Will they have actually employed some hair stylists this year?

Will we be forever traumatised by someone’s entirely inappropriate GG attire (highly likely) and will our eyes ever be able to unsee some of what is to come??

All will be revealed with who makes best and worst dressed in this year’s 2016 Golden Globes VicStewReviews.

************

So lets start with the Golden Girl of the Golden Globes… JLaw. Now as connoisseurs of the red carpet will know, red is her go to colour for the carpet. It in fact launched her career back in 2011 at the Oscars. Her look then is one of my favourite all time ever red carpet outfits. So I’m always dubious when she tries to recreate (this is the 3rd incarnation of that red dress. And it is indeed an improvement on the 2nd). It’s new, directional, young, a bit edgy yet still red carpet appropriate and I like the bling. I don’t even mind the cut outs as it shows of her figure elegantly with no trace of slut slut. It’s not BLOWING me away, but she looks great. Good make up too. Hair really really really lets it down for me. Would have been an 8.5 but due to hair it’s an 8/10.

So on to the GaGa. This is a toughy to judge. Because obviously by her standards this is fabulously understated and for that she would score huge points. However, if we take this as a normal person turning up to the Globes, then I have a few issues. Her hair colourist has done a SHOCKING job, the roots are Platinum and the Ends are Gold. This was NOT intentional and it is NOT a good look. Her waist is TINY… but partially due to the added heft to her hips (is this becoming a trend??) and heft is NEVER good. I’m sure it’s very ‘couture’ but I will NEVER understand why you would want big fat lumpy hefty hips… it’s mental or should I say gaga. But I like the velvet, I like the make up and I like the subtlety.  7/10. I like the double cuff by the way.

Oh Julianne… you rarely rarely rarely get it wrong. EXCELLENT work here. The colour looks fab with your hair, I LOVE a long sleeve, I like the loose hair. Being picky (and I know I sound like a stuck record here) I’d like to see a strong lip…I’m not a fan of this barely there make up look on the red carpet…but other than that I’m liking this a lot. Classy. 8/10.

Now this is a classic example of how a neckline can utterly ruin a dress. This is a column dress, just like the previous one, but has a stupid plungy halter neck thingy. It’s just a really really ugly shape. Yes you have a great body, but I don’t want to see your breast bone. Also, in close up your eye make up is TERRIBLE you look like you have a really bad case of conjunctivitis. It’s just all a bit obvious and blah. 5/10.

OK. Now something I can REALLY get my teeth in to. I know you’re the next big thing and have actually won best actress. But you HONESTLY look like a cast member from Hollyoaks. How is this possible? The neckline of this dress makes me so angry. Why would you purposely choose to wear something that makes your lady lamas look like they’re cuddling your tummy button???!? And I’m really bored of seeing a cut out in a dress. It’s not big. It’s not clever. It’s at best utterly pointless and at worst really fucking cheap and unnecessary. Just please stop. I don’t care if you have abs. Whoopee fricking do. I don’t need to see them on a RED CARPET. 3/10 and I’m being generous because I quite like the colour.

So we’ve had Heidi from the People’s Choice and now we’ve got Gurty the milkmaid. EVERYTHING I have read about this year’s awards season has told me it’s all about you little lady. Being Skandi you’re supposed to be all edgy and up in my grill. Well FAIL! This is nice enough. But it’s more of a maxi dress than a red carpet dress. And your hair?! Did you not get up in time to get ready and wash it? Or brush it? Or style it? VERY average 5/10. Must try harder.

This poor poor women was obviously attacked by a lawnmower on the way to this event, either that or she’s sort of moulting. And I’ve NEVER heard of anyone purposefully trying to bring the skin shedding look to the fashion forefront let alone on the bloody red carpet. AND YOUR HAIR. JEEZ. This is a running theme. Are the hairdressing unions in LA on strike? Pathetic attempt. 2/10. And that 2 alone is for your bang on trend berry lip. Fashion darling my arse.

So this dress is like having sex in the missionary position. It’s nice, it’s comfortable, I look best having sex in this position, it suits me, doesn’t require me to think too much, I know what I’m doing, it’s essentially painting by numbers. But do it all the time and your boyfriend is going to call you a lazy boring cow who makes no effort and he’s going to leave you for something new and exciting. Mark my words Kate. Your dress sense is going to leave you and find someone more interesting! I defy you to separate Kate Winslet’s outfit at the Golden Globes in 2016 from any outfit she has won at the Oscars, BAFTAs, GGs and SAGs in 2015, 2014, 2013, 2012 and 2011. Yawn. It’s just lazy. Rubbish colour too. Be navy, be gun metal, be midnight be royal don’t just be Blue. 3/10.

Well well well. Now here IS someone who likes to change it up a notch. For a split second I didn’t even recognise who this was. Katy. Your body is INSANE and without all of your comedy make up you really are a stunning looking woman. Now you are booby and I’m booby and sometimes you don’t want to wear a polo neck just to cover them breasts… so although there is muchos cleavage, I actually really love this look. One you have the BEST lady titbits. Two your dress is very plain and simple and you’ve avoided the foo-foo bearing crotch split. It’s length is also perfect as so many errors are normally made with crumpling on the floor. I don’t think however it’s tailored quite perfectly enough. So for that reason I shall award you an 8/10. Which is a phenomenal score considering the positively RIDIC amy winehouse chav nest you have on your head.

There are literally few things in the world that I love more than famous people I have decided I don’t like, REALLY fucking it up on the red carpet. It doesn’t happen to anyone better than the Paltrow… now this is a good second. Where do I start. The Polo neck? The weird nude hospital bandages around the ribcage? THE FRICKING WITCHES CAPE? Or almost the worst hair at an awards do EVER, only beaten by Carly Rae at the People’s Choice? Hahahahahahahahahhaha you look like an imbecile so there is simply NO explanation for that fucking smug look.  If your Dragons could see you now they’d damn burn you to the ground. And you’d deserve it. 0/10. DISGUSTING.

Jenna Jenna Jenna. LOVELY. Nothing new, nothing groundbreaking, but lovely lovely. Personally I’d REALLY like to have seen the bottom of the V finishing higher, I REALLY don’t get this ‘to the navel’ plunge thing, especially in a princess ball gown (it’s a bit Princess Elsa meets Nicki Minaj)… but I can’t deny you look gorgeous. 7/10.

You are the size and shape of a pogo stick. So you thought layers would bulk you up and give you curves. They haven’t. You just look like you’re playing dress up in your Mum’s closet. Sorry. 4/10.

DEAR GOD WOMAN. You have the capacity to look so fricking SMOKING hot. But instead you must have just been smoking something of your husbands. What. The. HELL. IS. This???? The pleating, the nude underslip, the broken Xmas decorations around the neck, the body builder shoulders this dress shape has given you. Oh and I don’t know if you’ve noticed Love, but your hair has got all caught up at the back when you pulled this monstrosity on. The ONLY good thing is the make up. And for that you get 2/10.

SERIOUSLY. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH EVERYONE’S HAIR???? I’m not even going to discuss the toilet tissueness of this dress. Because I can literally not move pass your hair. Nope. I can’t. 4/10.

I’m a bit stumped here. Do I like this? I think in part yes… but also it’s very wrong. I really am fence sitting. The necklace is VERY wrong with it. Does the cape come off? If so this may work. I’m not sure even the colour suits her and if J-Lo can’t pull off colour then pretty much no one can. I have to say I think this might be a no. But even then I’m not sure. Fortunately Jen HAS brushed her hair unlike most and I LOVE the make up, so she gets 6/10 because even though I’m not sure I like the dress, she still looks sort of great I think. But then may be not. God I’m so confused. Maybe it’s a 3/10.

Oh Maggie May you NOT. Awful. I think this is actually chartreuse colour rather than gold. Which makes this dress even worse, if that was ever possible. Shapeless, sack like, breast droop inducing. And a woman over 18 should NEVER wear a corsage (fyi I include Carrie Bradshaw in that). Very disappointing. Good lip though. 2/10.

WOW. WOW WOW WOW WOW WOW. Amy Adams you look bloody goddamn SUBLIME. Now THIS is what I’m talking about. Proper old school glam. You look INCREDIBLE. Fabulous hair that has actually been blow-dried (this shouldn’t be a shock at an awards ceremony should it??!?), slight tan, fabulous make up, striking unexpected colour on your, great body, great fit, classy no unnecessary flesh on show. Unusual putting orange on a red head. Yes Yes Yes. OWNING IT. Definitely my top runner for Best Dressed 9/10. #KILLINGIT.

FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THE GODS. What have you done woman? The neckline is  DISGUSTING, I literally would rather go naked to an awards do than EVER wear this neckline. It is so bile inducing (not good for someone without a gallbladder) that I almost vomited a little bit when I saw this. Problem is, the neckline despite all this is the LEAST offensive thing about this dress. And I really don’t now how that is physically possible. There is no excuse for this unless she’s auditioning for Lady Havisham. I don’t even care you’re wearing a lip. There is no saving this monstrosity. NOPE. 0/10.

Rachel!!! What have you done! You have literally recycled Christmas wrapping paper and thought you could ‘rock this’ as your Golden Globes Dress. Well I’ve got news for you. You can’t. This is SHOCKINGLY bad. I’m sorry, coz I quite like you. I’m not angry. I’m just really really disappointed. Which, as we all know, is even WORSE. 3/10.

I am literally in shock. This woman ALWAYS features in my best dressed. I mean ALWAYS. She normally looks so fricking insane I can only look at her if I squint my eyes because otherwise she is shining too brightly. However today I can only look at it her through my hands. A boob tube is not acceptable attire at your nan’s 80th birthday. Or your graduation. Or your first job interview. AND NEITHER IS IT AT THE GOLDEN BLOODY G GLOBES!! We all know you have a body to die for, but it comes to something when with THAT body STILL looks bad in this outfit. Your lower half dare I even utter the words looks.. a little ‘hefty’. Your abs are no doubt insane but abs are NOT red carpet appropriate and yours actually even look a bit strange here. And WHAT. THE. HELL is that around your neck. I think you’ve gone for some red carpet auto asphyxiation as you’ve realised you have for once in your life made an error and will be featuring in EVERYONE’s worst dressed list and you just want to put yourself out of your own misery. If only you could put your outfit out of ours. 3/10. And that’s only because you essentially have tenure at these events.

The world has actually gone and bloody well shifted on its axis. As the other AMAZING Cate who is also ALWAYS best dressed has only gone and effing fluffed it. I mean In a MAJOR way. I can’t really get my head around it. I mean the colour is REPELLENT – like baby pink should EVER been worn on a female over the age of 5 (Paltrow I’m also looking at you for that Oscar aberration when I say this). But baby pink tassels. And layers. And lace, And cut outs and Chiffon. It’s stupid and naïve and this isn’t your first rodeo Cate. Actually may be it is your first rodeo because there is something weirdly Cowgirl about this and it makes me want to sing Rawhide and whistle away, wearing some spurs. GUTTED. And your hair is DICK FUCK. 2/10.

This year’s GG’s have been seriously lacking in the gown area. I love me a gown. But as with Channing Tatum’s worse half, I don’t like a gown cut to the navel. It just doesn’t work, it makes my teeth itch. I do however like the green on you. I LOVE your emerald jewellery (super jel) and your face and make up are divine. The pattern is a bold call and I’m not normally a HUGE pattern fan, but I actually think I quite like this. And it’s a bit different. So give yourself a patronising pat on the back girlie. 7/10.

This is a bit Beauty and the Beast but in a midnight blue. But she looks gorgeous and she’s done well on the accessories and I LOVE a pocket on a dress. I also like the origami folding. And she managed to wash and brush her hair which incredibly seems an achievement at these awards. Good effort. 7/10.

I don’t know why someone would pick’ dog swallows walking lead, uses mustard for throat lube and then has terrible diarrhea’ episode as a colour for a ball gown. But the lead seems to have come ‘through’ quite nicely. Stupid colour, hideous neckline, unnecessary gape, bad accessories, appalling hair. She looks like she might have had a ‘accident’ on the red carpet too…is she standing in that dog diarrhea?? 1/10.

************

So in summary. Hardly anyone washed their hair but obviously more shoe shops were open this time around.

People I can normally rely on to wow me let me down. But mostly there was a lot of OK, not a lot of wow and a few disasters. I just feel like I’ve seen this all before. It was all a bit bland. Which actually made this VicStewReview quite a challenge. It’s hard to think of anything to say when you feel you’ve said it all before.

Hardly anyone really seemed to put in the effort and engage. And you know I demand FOCUS and APPLICATION in all things.

Lets hope the Oscar brings us some killer frocks! Or ideally some really really really bad ones!