Oscars 2016

Coming to you all from Australia… the biggy, the best, the bedazzling 2016 Oscars!

Awards attire has been below par this year, predominantly down to the big hitters of the film/fashion world not being nominated this year.

Can the youngsters come good and redeem themselves after a lack lustre performance to date?

We are about to find out… fanfare please!

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naomi watts.png
NAOMI WATTS OSCARS 2016

First up… Naomi Watts. And it’s a good solid start. I LOVE her lip – yes yes yes – excellent work here. I like the hair. I also really like the dress. Plain column style but jazzed with a two tone sequin. She looks fabulous even if a little mermaid like. Groundbreaking no, hugely different or dazzling no, but… strong, clean, age appropriate and elegant. A solid 7/10

Cate Blanchett.png
CATE BLANCHETT OSCARS 2016

Thank the LORD (of the Rings) she’s back. It is reminiscent of last years outfit with the appliqué and the colour does remind me of my old school uniform shirt (never a good thing) but I love the hair, love the make up, love the structured shoulder and the incredible shape of the dress. Up close she looks INCREDIBLE. I’m a big fan. Excellent. LOVING the hair. 9/10.

RACHEL MCADAMS OSCARS 2016
RACHEL MCADAMS OSCARS 2016

I’m sorry Rachel, but I find this HUGELY disappointing. HUGELY. The colour looks fab on you, your body is great, and you’re doing good Jolie leg. But the neckline is a disgrace on this dress and the beautiful fanning of the tail of your dress cannot save you. It is just TOO plain. There’s not even really any bling and I DESPISE your hair up situation. If you’d done your hair down messy rock thing this could have worked. But I simply do not believe this is Oscar worthy. Especially as you’re nominated. Unless something interesting is going on at the back, which lets be honest is highly unlikely with that stupid neckline. You should have saved that beautiful SAGs dress for the Oscars.  And your shoe is a ugliness personified. You look like an also ran, rather than a contender. 5/10. Also… satin CREASES. We all know that you silly woman.

ROONEY MARA OSCARS 2016
ROONEY MARA OSCARS 2016

I want to punch you in your STUPID mardy face. Crack a smile love. You’re at the Oscars. Or don’t bloody come if you’re going to be miserable. I HATE your scraped back I Haven’t Washed My Hair for 38 days hair style. Your SHOES make me VIOLENT they are DISGUSTING. The cutout on your dress is making me apoplectic. It literally looks like you’ve busted open a button by breathing out. This pale and interesting look is yes pale but so not remotely interesting. When you do it at EVERY awards do. I don’t mind the sleeves. And the lip. But it’s all just so yawn even if the lace on your dress was all handmade. They shouldn’t have bothered from the look on your face. 4/10.

ALICIA VIKANDER OSCARS 2016
ALICIA VIKANDER OSCARS 2016

I am very very confused by this outfit. I saw it on the TV this morning and I have to admit for a minute I thought she looked amazing. But on closer inspection I’m just not convinced. First the pale lemon can look beautiful we’ve seen it done before. But there is something about this dress that could be worn by a 14 year old. It’s all a bit crack whore high on sugar. The silver stuff on it just looks weird. And I don’t think you realised Alicia that when you went to the toilet earlier the front of your dress got tucked in your knickers. For once you look like you brushed and washed your hair, but I hate the half up and down look and the colour is just plane horrible on you – you need to be darker and more chocolate less copper. Thank god though you didn’t get the ‘lets wear disgusting shoes to the Oscars’ memo as these are fine. So there is a fair bit wrong here (even if you pull your dress out of your pants) but nothing is right. And wear more make up please – up close you look like you’ve had too many late nights. 4/10.

DAISY RILEY OSCARS 2016
DAISY RILEY OSCARS 2016

Star Wars lady…. You’ve gone for something a bit different here and I applaud you. This dress isn’t incredible but I do like it as it’s just a bit different. But I’m afraid I don’t like silver/dove grey on a brunette, it only really works for me on a blonde. Your lip does anchor the look however. I HATE your shoes… that strap with that length dress is a no no. 5/10.

BRIE LARSON OSCARS 2016
BRIE LARSON OSCARS 2016

Lizzie just asked me what I was laughing at. Well Lizzie, I was laughing at this. I cannot believe she is about to go and pick up an Oscar dressed like this. Her boobs are too big for this neckline it makes her look hefty across the breast and stomach and god knows we don’t’ need this and she isn’t. And unfortunately I’ll never be able to forget that belt. That ‘delightfully’ showcases those wonderfully  awful ruffles. The colour is ok, that is the only only thing not TERRIBLE about the whole styling. You shouldn’t just shoot your stylist you should dismember her. 2/10.

SOAIRSE RONAN OSCARS 2016
SAOIRSE RONAN OSCARS 2016

I like this very much. I think you look gorgeous. The dress colour is amazing and you look fab in it. I love your loose hair (stands out vs. the up dos and the unwashed) and it’s young and fresh. I think this is the dress Rachel McAdams wished she was wearing. 8/10

CHARLIZE THERON OSCARS 2016
CHARLIZE THERON OSCARS 2016

Charlize. You goddess. How is it that even YOU have let me down?!?!? I mean obviously you look incredible and I LOVE you in red. But the slashed to the navel actually (dare I say it) makes your boobs look droopy. And the necklace is not working with the straps. I feel it’s truly sacrilegious that I’m saying this as you always look INSANE. I’m sorry but this, like your boobs falls a little too below par 6/10. (and I’m GUTTED to score you that.  But you haven’t helped yourself).

KATE WINSLET OSCARS 2016
KATE WINSLET 2016

Now again, I’m very confused here. This dress fits you like a glove Kate And it’s a departure from the norm which again I applaud. I like that it’s not a column boring dress but I’m EXTREMELY confused by the volume of material spilling out of the back or side of your dress. I’m also very perplexed by the material – is this just the photo or is your dress made of the shiniest man made material EVER produced? Hair is nice though – I like this softer look on your somewhat masculine face, so …. I’m giving you a 5/10. But I really cant work out whether this is too generous. Don’t stand near a flame for godsake.

LADY GAGA OSCARS 2016
LADY GAGA OSCARS 2016

I think I really like this. But I really really really don’t like this on you. It fits you appallingly, I can’t even tell you how bad your breasticles look in this. I mean they look TERRIBLE and your crotch is obviously super hungry. I mean like ravenous. WTF? Shame, because this is by far the most interesting of outfits so far, your styling is fabulous and for once I even like your hair. This is almost excellent, but instead you’re getting a 6/10.

MARGO ROBBIE OSCARS 2016
MARGO ROBBIE OSCARS 2016

I LOVE THIS DRESS!!!!!! Granted it would look better on Kate Hudson, but I love love love. How she can have ruined this though with hair the same colour, that has been left to air dry??. An orange lip would have KILLED this. But instead her clutch should be killed. REALLY? It does NOT go with this dress AT ALL. Kate Hudson would have got a 10 in this dress, but you have let it down and instead I am giving you an 8.5/10. How is it possible to have effed this up Robbie? Idiot. Because this dress is insane.

OLIVIA WILDE OSCARS 2016
OLIVIA WILDE OSCARS 2016

So, you think Oscars. You think red carpet. You think I have the pick of all the designers. And then naturally you think… I’ll wear a skirt with a pair of braces to cover my nips. Of course you do. Your breasts look like bad. Your choker is ugly as sin, as is your hair. I like the clutch. That is it. This outfit is nasty. Pure and simple. Which is quite good because you always come across as quite smug to me. Olivia love, there is nothing, I mean absolutely NOTHING to be smug about here. This is dress is dross. 1/10.

OLIVIA MUNN OSCARS 2016
OLIVIA MUNN OSCARS 2016

This is pretty much as close to perfection as you’ll get. Olivia Munn… the dress is divine, your body looks insane, the colour is INCREDIBLE, the lip!!! Oh my GOD the lip. I love, for once, the simplicity of your centre parting ponytail… the soft bits of hair pulled out to make it feminine. The beautiful but oh so simply bangle and nothing else. This is OFF THE HOOK. I salute you. I will give you a 9.5/10… because I have a terrible terrible feeling your shoes have let you down. Otherwise this is PERFECTION and impeccable.

JULIANNE MOORE OSCARS 2016
JULIANNE MOORE OSCARS 2016

I often associate bondage with the Oscars don’t you??? No? Well evidently Julianne does. I like the skirt on this dress, I don’t even mind the bodicing… but I HATE the cut out triangles. And your hoop earrings are just chavvy even if they are worth $1m. I like your hair and there is nothing too tragic here, but I don’t believe there is anything too great either. 6/10. To be fair, whoever followed Olivia Mann was gonna struggle.

EMILY BLUNT OSCARS 2016
EMILY BLUNT OSCARS 2016

I presume Emily Blunt that you are pregnant. But I don’t care… I’m not going to go easy on you. This empire neckline with the too close together straps is HUGELY unflattering. The Colour and silver and matching silver accessories is far too twee. You are normally hugely directional which I like, but you’re only going in one direction here and that is down. 4/10.

SOFIA VERGARA OSCARS 2016.jpg
SOFIA VERGARA OSCARS 2016

For those of you that love a princess dress (and I am also one of you) this is only one of the few I’ve seen. I’m not loving it. Navy isn’t bad exactly but on a red carpet I think it just doesn’t pack a punch. Especially on a brunette. I’m not really loving this as the bling on it makes it look old fashioned. I think it would have been better all plain, using the interesting folds to make it stand out. I’m not hating it and I love the red lip, but I hate your hair. So 6/10.

AMY POEHLER OSCARS 2016
AMY POEHLER OSCARS 2016

Now Amy… I love what you’re trying to do here. It’s striking and different and brave for the Oscars red carpet. But I have some issues… you’re too short and curvy to pull this off. Cate Blanchett would have nailed this dress – but it is totally wearing you, rather than the other way around. Sorry but it just doesn’t work 3/10.

KERRY WASHINGTON OSCARS 2016.jpg
KERRY WASHINGTON OSCARS 2016

I think Kerry Washington is doing a Robert Downy JNR and morphing in to her character Olivia Pop. This is the ‘Gladiator’ sort of crap she’d wear. I HATE THIS. It’s cheap looking from start to finish…. Cheap cheap cheap. I also HATE monochrome. I know ballsy, some might say fashion suicide… but there you have it. I just don’t like it, especially in a red carpet dress. Also… your hair is phenomenally ugly. 1/10.

RANDOM PERFECTION NO.1 OSCARS 2016.jpg
RANDOM PERFECTION NO.1 OSCARS 2016

I don’t know who you are…. But I LOVE THIS. You waist is TINY and I LOVE the shape of this dress. Your styling is amazing. If they’d just not gone with the netting on the sleeve and left it as a capped sleeve, and put some make up on you, this would have scored the highest. Nonetheless I am giving you a 9/10. EXCELLENT work.

REESE WITHERSPOON OSCARS 2016
REESE WITHERSPOON OSCARS 2016

Reese!!! Your lady airbags have burst! Stupid unflattering dress, stupid colour, stupid hair. Dull dull dull and FAR too matronly. 2/10.

JENNIFER LAWRENCE OSCARS 2016.jpg
JENNIFER LAWRENCE OSCARS 2016

How is it possible that you look dumpy Jlaw? I don’t know, but this dress has done it.   I don’t mind the bottom but I HATE the top – it makes you look wide and top heavy and the black boning is REALLY unflattering. I do like you very blonde and the smoky eye is nice. But I’m VERY VERY disappointed with you. 4/10. This is devastating. How can you go from the princess dress to end all princess dresses when you won and fell up the stairs to this… RUBBISH.

HEIDI KLUM OSCARS 2016.jpg
HEIDI KLUM OSCARS 2016

hahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahah.Hahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahhhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahahaahahahahhahahahah -642/10.

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So that was the Oscars.

Congrats Olivia Munn for nailing it and winning my best dressed.  Closely followed by the random lady in the fabulously huge black dress which just falls on the right side of gothic masked ball.

Biggest disappointment sof the night for me are JLaw and Rachel McAdams, normally pretty reliable.

I’m disappointed in the lack of old school Hollywood glamour or princess dresses.

Lets hope some of our established actresses start making some more Oscar worthy movies ASAP as these youngsters didn’t really cut it on the red carpet.  Brie Larson I’m most definitely talking about you.

Over and out for now…see you later in the year for the MET Ball.  Always an occasion for a scathing VicStewReview!

 

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4 thoughts on “Oscars 2016

  1. This is your best VicStewReview so far Steward. I spent the entire train journey laughing – I didn’t want it to end. Bloody loved it. Genius.

    I cannot say the same about the red carpet dresses.

    Dear Lord.

    The hair. WTFF is going on with the hair? I barely liked any ‘style’ at all. It’s like they were all too busy running around trying to find a horrific dress to wear, and didn’t get time to wash/comb/dry/style their barnet. Brie Larson, OMFG what are you doing?!?!?!?!?!?!?! You have not got it right once. Not once. You’ve won an Oscar for playing a girl locked in a room. I suggest you get back in there and don’t come out again until you’ve found something decent to wear. You honestly would have looked better wrapped up in that rug from the movie.

    My fave was the black lacy gothic number on the girl I don’t know. I totes agree about the net sleeves (no one needs net sleeves) but I LOVE the rest of it. Olivia Munn looked gorgeous too.

    I cannot believe Rachel McAdams and her creased silk/satin. At the very least she could have got dressed at the venue.

    Heidi Klum. Rooney Mara. That puffball, hi-lo dress on Alicia. ALL terrible.

    I loved Margot Robbie’s dress but DESPISED her hair. My hair looks better than hers today and mine looks like shit. Why go and ruin an absolutely gorgeous dress by completely avoiding the hair situation?! I SO agree with you Vic when you said Kate Hudson should have worn it. She’d have NAILED that dress. That would have been my 2nd favourite.

    Exceptional review on substandard attire. Well done Steward. Awesome.

    XXXX

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Well what a fabulous Stew Review – I agree with Nim, it’s your best yet.
    Totally agree that Olivia M was the best dressed, literally perfection and up close her face is sublime (although i think she has had her lips done). It was lovely to see miss Ronan dressed in something young and fresh with a lovely nod to the irish with her emerald green dress that fit her perfectly. Also adored her ‘just had sex’ hair and mismatched earrings.

    Vic, your comment about Alicia getting her dress stuck in her underwear was priceless – I mean is she really happy that she accepted her first oscar wearing a dress that looks like it belongs to strung out ex disney princess turned crack whore? This outfit is nearly as bad as Gwen’s pick abomination from when she won her oscar, and that was the worst dress ever worn by anyone ever!
    Also have to agree with you on Rachel’s dress. She is my all time girl crush but even my undying love for her could not make this dress ok. You’ve been nominated for an oscar, make an effort for god sake, plus two of your hot ex-boyfriends were in attendance so you should have really just nailed it, to show them what they’re missing (Eva Mendes and Sarah Silverman are not a patch on you!!).
    I have nothing to say about Brie Larson, the Steward sisters have said it all, in a much funnier way than i ever could.

    Now i have to disagree with you Vic on a couple of things. 1. Kate Winslet’s dress deserves 2/10 not 6! the fabric is disgusting, it does nothing for her figure and the hair doesn’t work with the dress at all. Different doesn’t always mean better. 2. I really loved Rooney Mara’s dress. She was a little weird but worked well on her body and at least she was doing something different. 3. Daisy Ridley’s dress is divine (minus the shoes). it hugged her body perfectly, gave her a little edge, and the red lip was an inspired choice. 4. I know everyone loves Cate, but I think she looked like a cartoon villain in this dress. The colour was a insipid turquoise ish and there was far too much going on. To her credit if anyone else wore this I guarantee we would all hate it nearly as much as Heidi’s dress but because Cate has the face of an angel, we allow it.
    Also, as i’ve said before i don’t understand what has happened to the shoe designers of the world, are they all on strike???? All shoes have been terrible, too porn star like, too satiny and too ugly!

    Finally, in my humble opinion Spotlight is one of the best films ever made so am very pleased that it picked up the Best Film trophy.

    God i’ve written an entire essay – thats what happens when you don’t have a job ladies!
    xxx

    Like

  3. Yay! Love the VSR. Totally Oscar-worthy. :O)

    Much good work has already been put in here and the main points well covered.

    Nameless fairy goth lady, I love you. Your hair is fab, as well as having a goth fantasy death princess dress. Although how you are breathing in it, I’ll never know. WIN!

    Vic, I have to hand it to you, spot on. I love Amy Schu’s dress but just not on her. Shame. I think it could go well not only on Cate, but oddly, I can see Adele rocking this. Never mind Amy, console your self that your hair does not offend.

    Rooney M. Cheer up, coz despite my loathing a cut out, I quite like your frock. But PLEASE leave the Croydon facelift hair just for once. Go on, I know you want to.

    I’m ok with Julianne here. Love the hair and earring combo, and the dress is…fine. After that last abomination, all is back on track, but not amazing.

    Also love the amazing gold dress. But fix your hair love. And the green sequins. Lots of good sparkle happening here. Cate is a goddess.

    As for the misses, well there’s only one thing to say here… Sorry Heidi it’s the Oscars, not Halloween. A miss of epic proportions.

    E XXXXXX

    Like

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