So… to The Screen Actors Guild (known as The SAGS). Reading up a bit on the awards it’s the one they all pretend they really love to win because it’s voted ‘for actors, by actor’s and means ‘the most when your peers have voted for you’ blah blah blah. We all know that’s bollocks as this is all just a run up for the Oscars.

So lets see who’s winning the metal and who just barely turned up when it came to the red carpet catwalk in VicStewReviews SAGs 2016.

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So… first up… an experienced red carpet practitioner. Must have walked the red carpet hundreds of times, so she knows how to nail the big occasion. Hence obviously why she’s come as a circus bigtop. She needs to be careful someone doesn’t mistake her for the marquee and start nailing her dress to the floor. I hate EVERYTHING about this outfit. The colours were obviously chosen by a 3 year old, the ruffles, especially those on the neckline are cheap, the transparency of the horrible sequinned tiering… the necklaces. I just don’t get it. This is BAD. 2/10 for the good hair and remarkably less frozen that normal face.

After the previous aberration I’m glad to see something black, my eyes were all a bit out of focus  after Nicole’s Big Top. However, they must still be blurry because my very first thought was why is Amy wearing Batman?????? Seriously. Take a look at the pointy ears at the top of the dress. It IS Batman’s silhouette. I like your new hair colour Amy and I love the flash of green in the ears. But I don’t like your pointy batman helmet shaped dress and it’s just blah. 4/10

The first sags of the SAGs. My HUGE problem with this DISGUSTING NECKLINE which many regular readers of this review will know makes me VIOLENT… is that, unless you’ve got fakies or are 20 with teeny tiny boobies, this neckline makes your lady bits look like they’re resting on your knees. Also it looks like she’s put a long chiffon skirt over the top of her swimming costume. And I pose the question of WHY????? It’s strangely different material to the bottom and doesn’t work. Like the hair and make up, like the dress colour. 4/10

OMG!!! Someone needs to call the ambulance AND the police, both Fashion and Investigatory. I don’t know what’s going on at these awards dos… but they REALLY need to improve security. I mean poor Brie has OBVIOUSLY been in a fight. Her dress is ripped in at least 4 places (she managed to steal some poor sods shoe laces to mend a couple of the rips, he must be hobbling around in really loose trainers now) and she’s gone and got her dress REALLY creased in the kerfuffle. She has a cracking body, but the dress is cheap, the hair is awful and that colour is making me feel a bit ill from all the saccharine. The shoes bother me deeply too. 3/10.

Now Naomi… how have you managed to shrink between your last fitting for this dress and walking the red carpet? I simply don’t understand why your stylist allows this to happen. Your dress is fine… the colour is ok, I like the sleeve and the heavy black band anchors the look. I don’t even mind that your dress is obviously made from curtains. But please at least make these curtains fit you properly. A good lip and nice bright blonde hair will get you a 5/10. But this feels generous as it’s all just a bit…. Dull.

Helen Helen Helen. You have, once again nailed dressing for the later in life woman. Colour looks AMAZING with your hair, it fits you perfectly, your body looks amazing. Proper old school glamour for an old school woman. The shape is fabulous, love the sleeves and you’re sexy enough to make the bling look womanly not childlike. The ONLY thing that could have nailed this more would have been a colour pop on the lip. I will give you a VERY ADMIRABLE 8.5/10.

Now…. us reviewers always hope for a dress that will divide the critics and here I believe we may have found it. Firstly I love that you’ve washed your hair and put some make up on – because we can’t always rely on you to do this can we Alicia? I LOVE the silhouette of this dress. It fits you like a glove, the length is just right and I love the long sleeves. I’m also partial to a strictly sequin. But I’m concerned the pattern is too much? Too busy? To distracting? But then may be I love it because of this – the metallic is bang on. Ohhhhhhhh I’m on the fence. My gut says it’s an 8.5/10. I think I want her styling to be more on point so it feels like she’s wearing the dress not it wearing her… so I’m going with a 7.5/10 instead.

Oooooohhh something new and fresh! I’m liking this! I like the shape of the top and the random half bodice… it’s edgy with the hair and I love the earrings… I love a trouser on the red carpet if done well  and at the SAGs, which is slightly more relaxed that most, this is perfectly acceptable. I’m just disappointed with the cut of the trousers. I think they needed to be more fitted – a Cigarette pant would have been perfect. The flare at the bottom here doesn’t work for me and makes it look too casual. The stupid platorm on the sole of your shoes need to go too. 7.0/10.

At bloody last! You’ve obviously sacked your stylist who put you in your last 3 SHOCKINGLY bad red carpet outfits. I love love love this. The shape, the sleeve, the netting, the embroidery, the nude and black. The Train. God I bloody love this dress. You obviously don’t though Rachel as you couldn’t even bother to brush your hair and put any lipstick on. GUTTED. I am giving you a 9/10 because the dress is FABULOUS but it gets a 9 on it’s own. You personally have not done it justice and have let it down, you can’t do grunge and even if you could, this is executed badly.

What I will NEVER EVER EVER understand is… why, if you were going to wear an off the shoulder, strapless number at an awards ceremony, would you ever go sunbathing the weekend before, in a bikini that gives you strap marks?!?!!? It makes no sense! Do you think we wouldn’t notice? We are not stupid, you stupid stupid woman. Also the slash across your slamming body is covered in medical gauze which does not match your skin tone. So this overall look is cheap. NOT helped by your Croydon Face lift. Could have been a strong look but falls down in the details and that bloody tan line. 3/10

Hahahahahahahahahahahah. Hhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahhahah. You are an odious woman which I’m sure is exactly why no designers will give you their clothes and you have to come dressed in something you’ve made from your net curtains that you’ve tied over your shoulder. This is so bad that you can actually see your tummy button through the mint coloured chiffon. Your shoes are a goddamn disgrace. The ONLY reason you’re not scoring zero is that you’ve actually put some make up on unlike some of the redcarpeters and I don’t mind your hair too much. I love love love it when bad people get bad dress karma. Suck on that. 0.5/10

Me likey! You are short and petite, but this dress doesn’t make you look like that. Love the colour, style and cut. A flash of leg makes it looks less matronly, but otherwise you’re covered up and classy. But your platorm shoe really lets you down. The whole style of the shoe in fact disappoints. Also, all the shoes worn so far are really boring. What happened to wearing a good shoe??? 7.5/10

This is your go to look Sophia. You rarely change it up. It gets quite dull. But then may be if it ain’t broke… And god knows your body looks incredible in this dress. I love the dress in fact, I love the colour too. I also like that you went with matching clutch rather than the typical gold or silver most would pair with it. It’s not new, it’s not clever, but you are owning it and you look fab. Man Candy ain’t hurting either. 8/10.

Bloody hell Cristina Ricci. Where have you been? I’m not sure about your blonde hair. I’m even less sure about your dress. The lace, pleats and pastel with your yellow hair and boxy clutch just aren’t working for me. It’s not bad. But it’s certainly not right either. 6/10.

When you are exceptionally curvy in an industry and fashion world only set up for the super slim, dressing for an awards do must be hard. But I’m not sure wrapping yourself in foil is giving yourself the best shot of pulling off a look. If the material wasn’t bad enough, the massive bow across your shoulder and down your back, leading in to a train (god would that EVER sound good?!) has not helped one bit. You look like a Quality Street sweet. Good hair and make up though. 3/10.

Now I’m struggling with this dress. I don’t like a cut to the navel outfit, but because she’s petite, the colour is classy and looks fab on her skin and because she has sleeves, I don’t mind this. Her hair is a great length and she’s obviously washed it and applied make up so I’ll give this a 6/10.

I’m so happy there’s muchos sleevage this year. This is how to do navel slashed whilst keeping it classy…. Age appropriate and elegant. I don’t know WHAT you were thinking with just bringing along your black day wallet though love. Tut. Better accessorising fi future please. 7/10.

You’re very very tall, so dressing for the red carpet must be tough. Having a leading fashion designer as your boyf must help though! This is different and a bit warrior maiden (entirely appropriate I guess!) but I like the colour on you and the more I look at this dress the more I like it in general. The belt and then the ruffle is weird, but actually a good optical illusion in breaking the sheer length of you up. May be a bit more ‘fittedness’ on the upper body would have given even greater structure to this look . But I’m a fan and this is an excellent case of someone understanding how to dress for their height and shape. Christina Hendricks take note. 8/10.

I have nothing. Nothing. At. All.

You know… some designers are really clever. They can incorporate a neck brace in to a red carpet outfit. Or at least that’s what I think they’ve done, otherwise what the FUCK is that behind her head?!?!!? May be she’s attached a pillow so if the ceremony gets really dull she can kick back and have a nap?? The colour is good on her skin, but the fit, cut and that bloody bow are an aberration. Stop now. Go home. And get changed. 1/10.

Damn it. I’m not a fan of yours. You bore me. I don’t know what the fuss is about. However, you look sublime here. I love the colour pop, wide V works with your mini boobs and I love the hair length, make up and minimal accessories. Nothing to hate here and a lot to love. Radiant. 8.5/10.

Dear GOD. Just as my eyes have recovered from Kidman’s disgrace, they are now BLEEDING. What is this? Is this some kind of joke? Is she hosting ‘Big Fat Gypsy Weddings on Channel 5? The hair, the colour, the fishtail, the netting, the weird lacey wrapped fluro monstrosity. 0/10. Only saved from being the VERY worst by the woman in the pink trouser ‘suit’.

I like the styling here. You’re ethereal, nice make up and hair and the colour of the dress works on you. But it is a bit like a flowery condom. I mean I kind of like it, but I don’t think you have the body shape to pull this very tough silhouette off. It makes you look a bit heavy across the hip and stomach area, which of course you’re not AT ALL. So almost very nice, but just falls down a bit. 6/10.

Now this is a bit different. And I really really like it. Love the dress and it’s unusual colour combo. Like that it’s on her pale skin which works… could look trashy if you had too much of a tan (not of course that you can EVER have too much of a tan) and I love love love what she’s done with the lip here. I mean really love. Her hair colour and style however massively doesn’t work with this dress. You either need to be very blonde or very brunette. The yellowy brown hair and length just competes rather than compliments. 6/10.

I’ve actually just snorted, like a pig. This is just ticking ALL my boxes. Saggier than the SAGs could ever possibly have intended, bad fashion happening to a woman I really dislike pleases me because I am evil. I mean how does she even have a career? I’m not going to mince my words here. THIS IS TERRIBLE. What the HELL are you wearing. The neckline, the fact that I think I can actually SEE your lady bits, the bondage belts under some net curtains that have been washed in dishwater and the world’s worst neckline. I mean the woman in the pink ‘suit’ KNOWS she’s going to be on the worse dressed listed. But you actually had outfits to chose from! You actually picked this thinking you look good in it!!! I’ll let you in on a little secret. You don’t. You really really don’t. 0/10. SHOCKING. And stop trying to be edgy. Your sister’s the edgy one. You are NOT. Suck it up.

Aladdin let his Gennie out to say he wants his outfit back. This colour is horrif. The worse flammable material to EVER make it to the red carpet, besides the actual red carpet, with a bandage around her SAGS which makes it look like she’s trying to flatten her chest and then the weirdest most pointless straps, did you think ooooohhh lets throw some cut outs in as well, just to funk it up. Funk it up? No…fuck it up? Yes you most definitely have. Disgraceful. But then by the look on your face you know it too. 0.5/10.

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So to sum up…. There were a lot of sags at this year’s SAGS. Very little blew me away, but there were genuinely some shocks. I mean Julianne Moore rarely gets it wrong but god did she here. Nicole Kidman, what were you thinking. I mean some really old stalwarts of the red carpet made mistakes you’d expect from some newcomers. I couldn’t even be bothered to include Kate Winslet in this review as her dress was EXACTLY the same as any dress she’s ever worn to an awards do ever (apart from that fab red one with the flowers over the shoulder), so was a waste of a review page, I could easily have just cut and paste.

My best dressed goes to Helen Mirren. My best dress goes to Rachel McAdams who just let herself down by not wearing any make up and failing to brush her hair.

I’m looking forward to seeing what Alicia Vikanda wears to the Oscars, she’s been edgy on the red carpet, for the big one do we think she’ll go old school and princess gown? It could be Brie Larson’s big night, so lets hope she avoids getting in to a fight this time.

More from VicStew Reviews soon! BAFTA’s up next.

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