So I owe all VSR readers a huge apology.  Many of you will know that I’m currently in Sydney for a couple of months drowning under the weight of expectation!  Also being so far ahead/ behind you all has made it almost impossible to surprise you with the latest sartorial shenanigans of the rich and famous.  Or at least that’s my excuse.

However, not one to miss a red carpet, I’ve come out of semi retirement to share with you this year’s MTV Music Awards frocks and faux pas’.

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Now I understand that Ms Keys was making a statement (I’m uncertain as to exactly what that statement was) by wearing no make up and turned up on the white carpet sans slap.  When you’re as gorgeous as she is I don’t think it’s making a huge point, however, kudos nonetheless.  However, you’re fooling no-one Keys.  Your entire strategy has been to wear a dress so loud it detracts from everything else in the vicinity including your bare face.  I don’t mind the pattern but the cut is something akin to what young ladies wore in bed in the 1700s to protect their  modesty.  The strange black curved appliqué (or necklace?!?) is doing nothing to improve the look.  But rest assured I have no uncertainty your modesty is in safe tonight.  The look on your blokes face undoubtedly confirms this. 3/10.

Naomi… your body and skin continue to defy age.  There is little doubt that you look incredible.  However, we ALL know you’re a long way over 30 and your dress is not as age defying as your face.  It’s too young, the split is just tacky and the overall look is cheap cheap cheap.  And about as flammable as your mood. Great lip though. 6/10.

Rita Ora.  Why? Why gothic net curtains? Why ostrich feather fringing?  Why horrible fur epaulets and why such a smug look?  This is terrible.  And the shoes are pretty much the worse footwear I’ve EVER seen on the red carpet.  And as you’re in the US this is REALLY saying something.  I’d say this outfit is shocking from head to toe, but it’s not shocking it’s just ugly and dull.  Go home.  1/10 for strong make up.

Nuff said.

Having done a scan of most outfits from this Awards night, there is a troubling trend for wet-look gelled hair.  Lets be honest it wasn’t good in the 80s and it’s no better second time around in 2016.  It genuinely looks like you spent too long in the shower and have had to rush out of the house without your blow dry.  Now when I’m running late for work it is not unheard of for me to sport a similar look, however I do not like it for the red/ white carpet.  An ‘undone’ look can often look fabulous but ‘unbrushed’, well not so much.The list of why I have an issue with KimK (look no further than her arm ‘candy’) is endless, however one of my biggest bug bears is why she continues to wear shoes that cut her off at the most unflattering part of her legs.  When will she recognise this makes her legs look squat and heavy.  Her dress is obviously horrible but bearing in mind it was probably designed by Yeezy, we’ve come to expect little else.  Nice make up will get you a 3/10.

Britney Bitch.  This isn’t actually such a bad look for you.  The hair extensions are cheap the deep slash is too deep and the weird off the shoulder fake silhouette has a bad finish. But the shoes are good, I like your make up and you look slightly less dead behind the eyes than useful.  I’m sad that we’re pleasantly surprised when you score a 5/10.

I don’t think the MTV Music Awards is a suitable event for children to attend. Surely it’s way past her bedtime and honestly I’m surprised J-Lo let her daughter run riot through her fancy-dress box to attend the event without her……. Oh.   Ariana your trousers are too big and your top is too small.  And you have the kind of face I want to punch. 2/10 for good bling.

I don’t know what’s more worrying here.  That Pikachu has evidently vomitted on her head or that in the sheer shock of her Pokemon Go attack she forgot to put a top on.  Poor thing. 2/10 coz I like the gold of your trousers even if they are too long.

Another victim who didn’t calculate how long their ablutions were going to take and had no time to even towel dry their locks.  I’m really enjoying the very dark peacock colour of this dress and I like the very directional shape – fun, age and venue appropriate. Lack of jewellery also makes this modern and more relaxed.  Someone should hack your feet off however for the horrific shoes.  7/10 (knocked off a point for shit shoe).

Smalls by name, smalls by nature.  This top (never wear a bra top you don’t fill) and clown trousers amplify how tiny Joan is and not in a good way.  Everything looks out of proportion and don’t think we can’t see your god awful tan lines.  Amateur. 3/10.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again.  I’m bored of Balmain.  But at least this one has a bit of colour and is fun and young.  I always feel a bit like Hailee’s clothes wear her rather than the other way around and this is no exception unfortunately.  I don’t like the quiff, which never disguises you’re growing out a fringe, the make up isn’t fresh enough and neither does it go with the dress.  I do like the shoes very much though.  6/10.

I mean… it’s Nicki Minaj she was hardly going to wear a kaftan was she. I mean, obviously it’s bad.  But equally not as bad as it could be.  2/10.  I like the wig.

I hate to say this as I feel you are somewhat pointless.  However, this is by far the best look of the evening for me.  Yes, I’m over seeing pants and bra, however I like this all-in-one, the undies provide good coverage and it fits perfectly.  First and foremost it’s the styling that nails it for me.  I love love love love love love love love love the hair and make up.  I mean LOVE.  I also really appreciate the low key accessorising.  She looks smoking.  Damn it. 9/10

Literally from the sublime to the ridiculous.  I can’t look at this and not think she looks like she’s peaking out of the top of a feathered toilet.  I mean look again.  She actually looks like she’s wearing a feathered toilet on top of a crystal encrusted condom.  What. The. FUCK.  And if that’s not bad enough she’s inflicted the same ridiculous style on her poor child Ivy Blue.  I’d be bloody blue too if my mum was mugging me off like this. Good shoes though Ivy, more than can probably be said for your mother’s. 2/10.

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Unfortunately, Rihanna who we can usually rely on to slay award-dressing was opening this year’s event so was unavailable for the carpet and it was a less interesting affair as a result.  Other than Hailey’s hair, nothing really blew me away or alternatively shocked me in to submission.  It all feels like it’s been done before and there’s nothing new or beautiful or exciting left.  I’d expect more from these ‘creative’ types to be honest.

Anyway, I hope you enjoyed, it’s good to be back, albeit fleetingly.  VSR xxx